As you can probably deduce from the title of this post, I have been cruelly struck down in my prime. My life and all it contains came to an abrupt halt this week and I withdrew from any form of functional society to reside in my bed. The only signs of life that can be observed are the trail of junk food, numerous glasses of blackcurrant juice and the intense, not at all dramatic and totally justified wailing about how imminent my impending death is.
And yet, despite all this hardship, I’m surviving guys. So, here’s a little insight into how you can too when I finally break the internet barrier and take you all down with me:
1. GIVE IN. GIVE IN, TO THE DARK SIDE.
Trust me when I say this, do as little as humanly possible. Don’t move. Become horizontal and choose an unsuspecting loved one to unknowingly become your flu-related slave. Comparing yesterday, a day of rest, and today, a day in which I naively tried to function in society, I know which I’ll be replicating for the next twenty-four hours. And trust me, you should too.
2. TV, TV AND MORE TV.
Now that you’re sufficiently immobilised, the only thing that can begin to make your spirits feel lifted is what I like to call ‘easy-watching’ TV. Now, to me, this means the kind of familiarity which results in very minimal concentration, since you can already quote each episode in your sleep. Watch until your heart’s content and your mind has been sufficiently numbed. Examples of which include: Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Gilmore Girls and the wonder that is Gossip Girl.
3. JUNK FOOD – TRUST ME, I’M NOT A DOCTOR.
What is it they say again, starve a fever and feed a cold? Well, that’s just what I did. Now, I know there is a queue of health professionals out there ready to slaughter me for this. But don’t you even begin to try to tell me that your throat and all of the suffering that it’s endured so far won’t thank you for the entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s you’ve consumed.
4. ENOUGH WATER TO SINK THE TITANIC ALL OVER AGAIN.
If you’ve stuck around long enough to remember my nuggets of wisdom from last year in, “11 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Twenties“, then you’ll remember my waxing lyrical about the wonder of hydration. This is triply true when you’re incapacitated with the flu. If you think your impending flu-death is unpleasant, try your impending flu-death and dehydration on for size, you’ll never take your eye off the ball again.
5. COMFORT IS KEY.
You’re ill, you’re exhausted, you’re bloated from inhaling an entire tub of ice cream before Friends’ theme song has even begun. The only thing that’s going to improve this situation is blankets. Blankets, blankets and more blankets. And don’t forget that soft toy you pretend you didn’t purchase from the Disney store, to accompany you in your time of need.
6. DRESS TO IMPRESS.
If the person you’re trying to impress is a onesie designer, that is. The bigger, the fluffier and the more OTT, the better. Bonus points for each Disney character onesie you can find.
7. THE LONGER THE BATH, THE BETTER THE BATH.
I truly believe that the answer to everything is a good bath. This is only quadrupled in truth when one has been taken down by the flu. Overload on bubbles, you’ll instantly perk right back up.
8. LOUDLY ALERT YOUR LOVED ONES TO YOUR IMPENDING DEATH.
And if they are anything like my friends and family, you’ll immediately be met with a chorus of “SHUT UP”.
On that note guys, I’m off to return to my Night Nurse induced coma.